Would you want me when I'm not myself?

Phone Post

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 02:03:37 GMT

(you hung up without pressing #. posting privately in case it was an accident.)

Wed, 17 Dec 2003 21:09:56 GMT

If you're going to post an anonymous comment, make sure you leave your e-mail so I can respond, otherwise I can't answer you. To get a journal, go to livejournal.com and sign up <3

Wed, 17 Dec 2003 02:58:09 GMT

I know she like my style...uh-huh...

FIRSTS
First screen name: Mariah86
First piercing/tattoo: Ears when I was...8 or 9...
First credit card: Debit all the way.
First true love: No one special...anymore.
First enemy: No idea
First concert: I honestly forget. I believe it was DC Talk when I was 4.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: DC Talk
Last big car ride: Trip to B-More November 26th? That's not too long...otherwise, to Virginia in October.
Last kiss: Uhm...
Last library book Something about cleavage. I didn't even read it. I got it out for Whitney and then ended up having a stupid fine.
Last movie seen: Bruce Almighty for the 4th time. In the theatre: My Boss's Daughter
Last food consumed: Mr.Goodbar
Last phone call: Uhh...I'm not sure. Haha. Beth, I think.
Last CD played: The mix CD I burned today.
Last annoyance: Not being able to find Copeland songs on WinMX. Arrgh!
Last soda drank: Orange soda
Last ice cream eaten: Ben + Jerry's Phish Food...mmm!
Last time scolded: Uh...
Last website visited: Probably LiveJournal

I AM: Laura
I WANT: Money
I HAVE: Lots of CDs
I WISH: I could see *him*
I HATE: Ignorant people
I FEAR: Never finding anyone... =\
I HEAR: Dashboard Confessional, and my dad running water in the bathroom
I WONDER: If I'll get sick before Sunday. I better not!
I LOVE: My friends <3
I ACHE: Uh...hmm...
I ALWAYS: try to be honest
I AM NOT: gay? Yeah.
I DANCE: in my room. Shhh! ;)
I SING: a lot. always. all the time.
I CRY: when I'm upset
I AM NOT ALWAYS: crying
I WRITE: all the timmmee
I WIN: all the time. Ha. Nootttt.
I LOSE: my nose rings all the time
I CONFUSE: myself sometimes
I NEED: to save money
I SHOULD: be cleaning my room

YES or NO:
YOU KEEP A DIARY: Yes
YOU LIKE TO COOK: Yes
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Hm...probably not...

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: Kinda sorta maybe yes =)

WANT TO GET MARRIED: Most definitely
GET MOTION SICKNESS: Sometimes, not as often as I used to.
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: I wish
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Mostly
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: Sometimes

CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Blonde

EYE COLOR: Blue-grey
BIRTHPLACE: PA

FAVORITES
NUMBER: Don't have one
COLOR: Purple
DAY: Hm...weekends in general.
MONTH: June + December
SONG(S): Wayyy too many
SEASON: Summer...and Winter
DRINK: Orange soda and chocolate milk =) Not together. Ew. ;)

PREFERENCES
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: Cuddle =)
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Chocolate Milk
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: Darkkk! Makes me hyper like whoacraziness ;)
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Chocolate usually

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? No
HELPED SOMEONE? Yes
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yes
GOTTEN SICK? Nope
GONE TO THE MOVIES? No
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? No
SAID 'i love you'?: Hm...yes!
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: Yes, a few.
TALKED TO AN EX?: Haha, no
MISSED AN EX?: Nope
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: Yes
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: Yes
MISSED SOMEONE? Yes!
HUGGED SOMEONE? Yes
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? Nope

WOULD YOU EVER:
1. Eat a bug?: Uh...if there was a logical reason as to why I was doing this?
2. Bungee jump?: No, I don't think so.
3. Kill someone?: Never
4. Parachute from a plane? Nooo
5. Walk on hot coals? Definitely not
6. Go out with someone for their looks? Nope
7. Be a vegetarian? Yeah right.
8. Wear plaid with stripes? Ha, sure
9. IM a stranger? Uh...
10. Sing Karaoke? Heck yeah! Karaoke's the best.
11. Get drunk off your Ass? Nope. My friends are convinced they're gonna get me realllyyy drunk one of these years...but I won't let them =D
12. Shoplift? No
13. Run a red light? Ha...
14. Star in a porn video? No
15. Dye your hair blue? No
16. Be on Survivor? No

17. Wear makeup in public?: I do that almost every day.
18. Not wear makeup in public? Yeah, have before.
19. Cheat on a test? Ha...uh, nooo.
20. Make someone cry? Not on purpose
21. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? Doubt it

22. Stay up all night? Yepperrrz

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 03:09:57 GMT

I miss you like whoa.
You don't even know.

(( God, it kills me... ))

These thoughts have become unreadable
My mind wanders so often, backtracking
The little moments, cherished, precious
Where we laughed and you held me in your arms
Sometimes I forget they never even existed
The words sewn into precious melodies
I can't find any well enough
To translate my heart's visions
And have it e-mail your heart love letters
Signed 'Forever yours, love me, please'

Mon, 15 Dec 2003 13:26:04 GMT

I wish I had beautiful words
To even proceed in attempt to tell you how I feel
But my mouth remains a trap
And my heart remains a mystery
...to you

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 02:54:51 GMT

This is cool. I took it from dele

Instructions:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that you have in common with me.
3. Whatever you don't bold, replace with things about you.

01. I love roller-skating.
02. My favorite color is purple.
03. My birthday is in March.
04. I'm very understanding.
06. Sometimes I wonder if anyone understands.
07. I type really fast.
08. I also hate people who TypE LyKe D1s.
09. Chocolate ice cream is my fav.
10. I love music.
11. I don't know who I'm going to prom with yet.
12. I have a job.
13. whenever i go over hills in my car i get butterflies in my tummy.
14. I hate 2 faced people .
15. I love mashed potatoes w/ BUTTA.
16. I have never broken anything in my body.
17. I don't have my license...yet.
18. I love learning about fate,soulmates,past,present.
19. I love making people laugh and smile
20. I want to get my nose pierced.
21. I hate driving in the winter.
22. I love blasting music and cleaning my room.
23. I love fall and winter.
24. I love roasting marshmallows over a fire.
25. I'm creative.
26. Im not going to college right away.
27. I love hearing new kinds of (good) music.
28. I'm not a shy person but come across that way to some people.
29. I wish i had motivation to workout daily.
30. i don't have a favorite song
31. I like play fighting.
32. I am compassionate.
33. I have dyed my hair at least 3 colors.
34. I always wanted to be a cashier when I was little.
35. I am very sensitive.
36. I am more forgiving than I should be at times.
37. I love reading.
38. I was a cheerleader.
39. I love singing in my car.
40. I think everyone should post this on their journal.
41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing.
42. I love John Mayer.
43. I despise spiders.
44. I love good lyrics/poems.
45. I hate funerals.
46. I loved playing with Barbies.
47. I don't have a favorite number.
48. I love bath products.
49. I love being online.
50. I love chick flicks.
51. I like silence at times.
52. I've been to a few concerts. [Laura sidenote: if by a few, you mean over 100, haha]
53. I am learning how to play guitar.
54. The things I eat I'm surprised I'm not 400 lbs.
55. i like being with my friends.
56. I speak some Spanish and some German.
57. I love the city life.
58. I like getting my hair/nails done.
59. I fake tan.
60. I love head massages while getting my hair shampooed.
61. I have a cat.
62. I've been to Mexico.
63. I live in Pennsylvania.
64. I'm scared of growing up.
65. i love the care bears.
66. I hate when I feel like people are annoyed with me.
67. I'm a virgin.
68. I hate when my nose is runny.
69. I love reality shows.
70. I love purses.
71. I love going to hockey games.
72. I can make people laugh.
73. I feel a lot of people need to act more mature.
74. I hate people who yell for nothing.
75. I love babies.
76. I hate my dad sometimes.
77. I'm picky.
78. I like watching the sunset/sunrise.
79. I love being at the beach.
80. I have never tried sushi.
81. I love rollercoasters.
82. I hate it when girls walk around wearing next to nothing and complain when guys look.
83. Subway is my fav place to eat.
84. I would like to see Italy.
85. I love snow.
86. I love hot chocolate.
87. I love magazines.
88. I like finding a bargain.
89. I love swimming.
90. I hate feeling lonely.
91. I sometimes trust people too easily.
92. I love accesories.
93. I like the exchanging of presents. Especially the giving.
94. I need money.
95. I have loved someone...other than family/friends.
96. I like to be needed.
97. I hate waiting in long lines.
98. I have two brothers.
99. I want kids someday.
100. i love dancing.

Santa, I just want...

Thu, 11 Dec 2003 03:59:09 GMT

Dear Santa,

This year for Christmas I want someone to dance with to these beautiful slow songs. This amazingly beautiful collaboration of sincere words that blend together with an outstanding musical instrument and together mesh into a beautiful slow song that two people in love can dance to and enjoy. I want to have someone to hold. I want someone to have a great conversation with where you can discuss anything in the world and even if you disagree, you can accept each other's differences and beliefs. I want to cuddle close by the fire in the wintertime and fall asleep on his shoulder with his arm around me and a blanket keeping the warmth from escaping either of our bodies. I want him to whisper in my ear and run his fingers through my hair until I've fallen asleep. Someone who can laugh at my sometimes silly humor. Someone who can make me laugh till I can't breathe. I want to walk hand in hand in big cities, and just like in the movies, I want to go to a huge, expensive store where I know I can't afford anything, just to try outfits on and model them for him and have him tell me I'm beautiful and mean it. I want to sit on the beach wall at night, watching teenagers and older couples walk past, hand in hand, laughing and joking, just enjoying their freedom. His arms around me, just taking in the ocean breeze and the strong smell that comes with being at the beach that you only smell when you see through your heart's eyes. When the world feels free and troubles so far away, even though the road trip there seemed like days. I want someone to kiss and hold. Someone to have to call at night and hear his voice on the line just before falling asleep. Someone who only says 'I Love You' when he means it. I want someone who can write beautiful words. I want someone who can look at a picture of a poor child sitting on the side of a New York street and see something so beautiful in it that it brings him to tears. I want something beautiful...I want to feel something so beautiful that it brings me to tears.

Not something that I lack that brings me to tears of loneliness. I just want love

...I just want love...

I know I'm a picky girl, but I suppose I'm willing to wait for him. I know he's out there somewhere.

Love,
Laura

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 02:49:02 GMT

My fourth period study hall lasts from 10:06-10:52. It consisted of three pages of notebook paper and a pen I got for free from the High Institute on Thursday when we had a lady representative come speak on it. So, I used my free pen and my notebook paper to try and come up with something meaningful...something free...something that expressed what I felt in my heart and the somewhat craziness that goes through my head on rare occasion. But I couldn't find any words that I found to be successful in truly bringing my thoughts to life...so instead, I wrote:

[page one]

Scribbles among pages
Words among scribbles
Thin slices of tree crossed out in blue ink
My name with yours
As JL predicted
It's all too familiar
I'm afraid of falling too fast

I don't know where you went...

Blurred imaging effects
My God is a designer

Beautiful words

[page two]

I wish I could be with you in your town
It seems that city never frowns
The sunshine always radiates down
Golden blonde locks
Shops for blocks
Designer jeans
Photographic scenes
Fresh scented air
I inhale with each heartbeat
Smiles alive and tears discreet
Bags in hand
Won't you take my free hand
That tiny breeze the air makes
It seems a little cooling

[page three]

I saw you peeking
It made my morning
You're fast asleeping
While I'm daydreaming
of tall glass windows
Christmas air
Your fingers captured in my hair
You never were one to agree with the wind
Don't be timid, grab my hand
I want you to
I want you, too

Give me a car
Give me keys
All I need is a little cash
And perhaps some company
Hand me a map
I'll find my way
His scent still lingers like it was yesterday
That will guide me to where he stays
Not far away
We can dance in the street
Feel the ground beneath our feet
Cuddle close on your sheets
Or let our minds lead
I wish my words would stop hiding in my throat
Maybe this form of words just doesn't flow

/end of my scribbling in study hall

You make creative, beautiful words form in my mind, and you don't even realize it.

I guess you're not mine to impress... =\

So I should just shoot my dream with a gun while I'm still seeking hope...it's all for the best.

Tue, 02 Dec 2003 01:57:49 GMT

It's December 1st. I smell Christmas and I'm ready for snow. I read in Mandy[omenda]'s journal that it snowed today for like five minutes. I missed it because I was stuck in school where absolutely no one was. It was horribly boring. I thought I was going to topple over from boredom. You see, today was a make-up day for us. We were supposed to have off yet for break, but because we started late due to the stupid construction, I had to go. Most people didn't go or left early. However, it did have its goodness to it. In Government we took a pop quiz that we got to use our notes on and work with someone on...and we get 8 extra credit points on Friday's test. Those who weren't there, however, well...it sucks for them. And in Math the same thing happened...and in English, whoever wasn't there, Mr.Frymoyer wrote up. Haha. Sucks to be you people!

So, it was really boring. Then I came home, hung out a bit, then drove to pick up my grandmother. My mom wanted me to get out on the windy roads up in the mountains...oh, what fun! Nah, it wasn't bad. I love it up there, though. I remember going up there Christmas Day last year when it snowed. It was so gorgeous. Snow everywhere, huge, beautifully decorated homes, snow everywhere. We drove up to get my grandmother and ended up stopping to take pictures once we reached the top. They're so beautiful. I'll have to post 'em then if I remember.

I love Christmas. The whole season is just...wonderful and joyous. It's my favorite time of year. I love the snow. I hate being IN the snow for the most part, because I don't like being cold [snowball fights and tubing and sledding is major fun, though], but I love sitting in the warmth of my home, looking out the window as the snow falls...or laying down on the couch in my family room, in front of the fire, looking up through the skylights as it snows. I'd hate to live in Florida or somewhere down South where you don't get ANY snow and you have 70 degree weather on Christmas. I'm thankful for my 22 degree Christmas-like mornings with snow where you have to go warm up your car 20 minutes before driving it, so it's toasty and warm, thank you very much! Hehe. It's so beautiful I can't even stand it. Fires, warm blankets, hot cocoa, Christmas movies, Christmas music, happiness, singing, presents, decorations, snow...I love it all.

I must say, though, I have yet to have a Christmas where I have "someone". [I don't think Christmas '01 really counts...maybe...but not really] I don't think it's ever really bothered me, because I see Christmas as a time for family. Having a significant other definitely adds to your joy, but I don't think it bothers me so much because I care so much about my family that I don't feel like I'm missing anything. It hit me most last year at our church's Christmas Eve service, though. But I quickly got over it, fortunately. This year I feel basically the same, but the same thought is still there. I just want someone to be in love with...to shower with presents...to cuddle with and just be happy with. Someone to share the happiness that Christmas brings at this special time of year. Someone to go see Christmas lights with, just so I can feel his arms around me when it's cold, but to see the beautiful sights and just enjoy it together.

"When it comes to December, it's obvious why...no one wants to be alone at Christmas time..."
-John Mayer

Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do
I'll say to you

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
Come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day

I was talking to Matt [Whiteley] last night online. Out of nowhere, I was just like, "I want to talk about something deep."...so, he asked what I wanted to talk about, and I asked him if he thought that there was one person out there for everyone. Like, just one specific person that God has picked just for you. I wanted to see what he thought. Then he asked what I thought, and I couldn't really answer directly. I told him I felt that it depended on your current relationship status. By this I mean, for instance, over the summer...June or July, I would've said, "Yes...God has one person picked just for you. It's up to you to find him/her and when you do, things will work out for the best." - but that was because I was in a relationship of some crazy sort...now that that's gone, and it ended on a bad note with nothing but scars left as proof that it ever existed, my mind shoots directly to, "I don't know...at one time I thought that, but...I don't know." - To be honest, it bothers me and almost disappoints me that I think that, but it seems only natural. I guess I still believe God has one person picked for me...the pessimisstic view of it is only because I thought I had it, and I was either wrong, or I was right and things will work out...and that's a whole topic in itself that we won't even get into...

So, I guess I'm interested to see what you guys think. I recall asking this over the summer, too, but I don't think many people responded. Just curious what your thoughts are on it in general.

I want someone to cuddle with. Guess my nice, colorful Mexican blanket will have to do... ;o)

Hehe. Night everyone. Hope you're enjoying what is December so far...<3

P.S. Jazz is great. I've really been more into Jazz lately. AOL Radio is awesome. Jazz reminds me of...something last year...May specifically...in Barnes and Noble...yep. Shutting up. Hehe. But yeah...Jazz is nice. G'nite...for real! :o)

Thu, 27 Nov 2003 06:39:41 GMT

I love John Mayer and I love Baltimore. The end.

Wed, 26 Nov 2003 03:37:03 GMT

- I was reading over my old journal today. My summer love journal. [http://www.livejournal.com/users/lauraaudrey] It made me sad. It retaught me things. It made me realize things. It woke me up to a lot I didn't see/feel/say/do in "the moment". It was overall interesting to reread and feel those things all over again in a sense.

- Watching the final episode of The Real World was sad, as it always is, but seeing Ace's tears well up in his eyes in the car leaving the house did it. Here I sat bawling. Too sweet. Goodbyes suck.

- I want someone to call "my boy" - like latethoughts, whom I'm so happy for. I had a boy, but now I don't, so I need a new boy. Any takers? ;o)

- I'm seeing Mr.John Mayer tomorrow night in Baltimore! My favorite musical artist in my favorite city. Could it be any more perfect? Yes. I could have a camera. I only have my mom's digital camera, and my own. Hopefully I can get good shots with my mom's, since it has a zoom. I love that city. It has bright lights and dark skies and tall buildings and beautiful people and culture and...everything. I love it. And John singing "Back To You" and "Covered In Rain" and "Split Screen Sadness" and "Quiet" is gonna make me cryyyyyyyyyyy...

- I have nothing else to say. I have these weird, mixed feelings all over inside me that I don't even know how to express. It's so jumbled I wouldn't know where to begin or how to even find the words to say to even come close to explaining them.

<3

Tue, 25 Nov 2003 02:58:00 GMT

you haven't got the slightest of clues
[he hasn't got a single clue]
I don't want you to know
[he absolutely cannot know]
I don't want fallen subtle hints
[don't nobody drop no hints]
it would ruin everything
['everything' = 'nothing']

at one time I had held it in my hands
[it was mine. it. was. mine.]
I hung onto it for a while
hoping friendship could develop into more
[but it truly never did]
that your love
and passion
and beauty that was so evident and radiant
[it was beautiful]
could somehow be seen by you in me
[was I not beautiful?]

I wanted to make you smile
[it made my life worthwhile]
sometimes so much that
stupid words came out of my mouth
just
to
make
you
laugh
[how silly I always felt]
so much that I made a fool of myself and it was okay
because you smiled that beautiful smile
and you were there in my presence
[he was near]
and nothing else mattered
[nothing.]
I could smile like the world was mine
[and it was. you could see it...in my smile]

I have no poetic words that will take your breath away
[although I wish I had]

you'd never even guess this is about you...

[you'd never guess this]

but I miss you
[so much]
I miss our friendship
I miss that hope I had
even when it seemed impossible, like now
[which seems so hopeless]
but I think I still have that sliver of hope
[there it is]
that somehow maybe I could have that chance again
[could it be?]
I fear so much that it's just a vision
[a dream]
that it's fake. I'm blinded.
[I cannot see]
it's not really there, it will never really happen
and that I shouldn't even bother getting myself into it again
but something just seems so right...
and

I miss you.

[it's true]

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 03:38:45 GMT

Seeing through a hole in time
Looking at this world of mine
All the words we've had to say
All the dreams to light the way
It's been fine though we've been apart
But it's only just begun
Far away from home
But baby, I'm not alone
Lift me up
Turn me around
I'm gonna get my feet off the ground
Sunrises in black and blue
Sunsets say "I love you too"
You said I had strength to stand my ground
Said I had wings to fly far away from home
But baby, I'm not alone
Every day away hurts a little more
But every day away is easy to ignore

<3 <3 <3

Haunting

Tue, 11 Nov 2003 03:44:11 GMT

I held you once
You slipped away
I can't say goodbye
To yesterday
A four-sided cube
A plush bedside
A book full of tear-drenched pages
And a black pen's scribbled verses
Erase this mental state
Wipe away all of my remembrances
I don't want the memories
The ones that stick and seep
That drench my heart and cover my being
And haunt me
awake
or
asleep

-------------------------

To bed I said...

True Self

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 22:09:23 GMT

I say I'm glad to see you go
And for the first time in my life
I mean it
Your true colors are shining through
Exposing your true self more and more
Which isn't as beautiful as you portray
You come off fake
Everything you do
And everything you say
Your actions
They've always spoken louder than words
I was just tuning them out
Now they're relative
Now I see
My thoughts are fresh
My mind is free
And I'm so glad you're not with me

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 03:30:20 GMT

Three poems I've written recently. Two last week, one tonight.

Breaths Before Midnight
11.04.03
A thousand breaths ere midnight
She's pursuing inspiration
Looking for the answers
Unsure of the outcome
Each breath, she paces back and forth
Causing her heart to beat even faster
She tries to keep her mind off of him
Denies her heart still yearns for him
Thirst and desperation have died down
Others have preoccupied her mind
Yet one thousand thoughts
With one thousand breaths
Still linger far behind

Mastered His Own Skill
11.04.03
He's sunken in to a reservoir of hypocrisy
The water level far above his eyes
He's been blinded
He mastered himself into believing in his own lies
It doesn't matter how many memories made
Then demolished along the way
He's stuck in his own hypocritical reservoir
And he cannot get away
He works like a snake
Closing in secretly on his prey
Once captured and engulfed
Like a hawk, he's flown away
Few are living, breathing, yet bruised
Others he's killed or swallowed whole
He rattles off no warning
He simply comes at his own convenient time
And leaves when he is through
No warning
Not a single sign

Rightful Owner
11.09.03
You look at me
But you cannot see
The girl behind the skin, exterior
Behind the smiles and black cotton blouse
You see blonde hair
You see blue eyes
A smile that glows
But her heart, do you know?
It may have been bruised
But she guards it well
And each time it's knicked
It grows stronger
Sewn together
To never hurt or grow weak
This girl behind the smiles
The blue eyes and blonde hair
The black cotton blouse and pink lipgloss shine
Her heart's been bruised over time
But she stands strong
Strength shines through
Don't be fooled
Her heart never belonged to you

Today was the first day I could feel your presence and walk away saying I didn't even look you in the eye. Not once. I didn't dare look at your face. You were so close, but I didn't dare steal a precious glance. I'm finally at this solace; this place in my head and heart where I am as close as possible to comfort in your presence, and I knew if I looked at you even once, and how you touch her and treat her as you did me, one more bruise would be added to the number you've accumulated in the past. And I'm too strong for that now. You may not see it when you look at me, but the girl you knew has gone away. You may laugh, you may think it's all just a phase, but I'm so much better off these days from the knowledge I've gained from past mistakes. I know better than to look in your beautiful eyes; all they do is tell lies. I hope you're as happy as you're pretending. You deserve it. False or not.

P.S. I felt my hand tremble a time or two. I'm still trying to decide if it was all because of you...

Who needs the beach?

Sun, 02 Nov 2003 05:00:16 GMT

Ordered a large pepperoni pizza just for myself.
Watched Punk'd.
Maria came over, surprisingly.
Took a 4 minute shower.
Went to Rainbow Rentals with her.
Then to a Mexican store.
Then to her house to see her parents, Abel, Natalia, her cousins, aunts and uncles who I haven't seen in forever.
Then to WalMart.
Then to Mickey D's.
Then to my house.
She parked in behind my dad's truck in the driveway, and I joked that she was taking after Matt, being that it was routine to do that over the summer whenever he dropped me off...to park, turn the car off and talk.
She tried to make it better by turning the music up and trying to steal my purse. We only ended up scaring ourselves, because we had Relient K playing, and they have a hidden track...and if you've ever heard it, you know, it's all quiet, then all of a sudden this guy talks in a spooky voice. Yeah...we were definitely freaked out, sitting like idiots in her car in my driveway, screaming, thinking some guy was at the car or something.
I got my keys and went in my house =D
She left.
I downloaded music. ["Milkshake" by Kelis is hot</b> - thanks Shibby (blazinbabii)]
I printed out pictures and redid my entire planner.
Talked to Andy [arawk] on the phone.
Cleaned up this room big time, and my room a little bit.
Watched Cheaters.
Watched Cribs. [daaang, Aaron Carter has some nice stuff...]
That's it.

Church and shopping with Mom tomorrow. It's like she read my mind...she called around 4 and said, "I know you probably wanted to go shopping today, so we can do that tomorrow after church." Great minds think alike.

I'm very vertical today. Have you noticed?
Hehe...nitez.

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 17:24:46 GMT

Dad: Hey Laura, how would you like to go to the beach tomorrow instead of church?
Me: Whaaaat?
Dad: Haha...yeah. Just to see God's beauty that way. Your mom and I were just talking about going up for the day just to walk around and stuff since it's nice.
Me: Whaaaaat?

*Mom gets home*
Dad: Do you still wanna go?
Mom: Yeah...we can just go today and spend the night.
Dad: Oh, I didn't know you wanted to spend the night.
Mom: Or not, we can just go for the day.
Dad: Listen to this.*yells upstairs* Well Laura, we're gonna head up in a little bit and just come back later tonight.
Me: Whaaaaat?

Since when did my parents turn cool and start thinking like me? My parents are going to OCNJ for the day. I, the beach lovin' fool, am not. I'd absolutely love to, but too many things are holding me back from the temptation:
-The only reason I'd really go is to take pictures, and I don't have a camera.
-It'd be me and the 'rents. Thanks, but no thanks.
-No shops are open.
-I originally planned on, since today is my first free Saturday in a while, going shopping with my mom and getting new clothes and stuff, but I guess that's out, so now I'm trying to see if Nichole wants to go later. I'll probably do that.
-This gives me an opportunity to seriously sit down and record my CD. I didn't have as much time as I planned this summer, so I didn't get many tracks recorded...and now I have better songs, too.
-My room hasn't been cleaned in 2 months and there are clothes EVERYWHERE.
-Laundry. Gotta do it, before my room is totally consumed in clothing.
-I'm not prepared! Even if it is just for a day. What to wear...what to take...and again, no camera. I cannot go to the beach on a beautiful Autumn day without a camera...

They better plan this again before the year is over, when I'm more prepared. I want to go to the beach in the Autumn/Winter...just not today. I'm not ready.

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 06:01:08 GMT

Falling asleep to the sound of sirens...

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 03:43:38 GMT

God, he's gorgeous.

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 04:01:22 GMT

Cluttered thoughts that are in my head
is the reaction that I get
And I know the only way
is that I trust You and obey
He will come through
even when I don't know what to do
He will come through
because His word says it's true
Feelings are overwhelming me
but the end, I know, is what You see
And I know the only way
is that I trust You and obey...

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 02:54:27 GMT

Take this world from me...
I don't need it anymore.

But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. -Isaiah 41:23

No words...just feeling...

Sun, 26 Oct 2003 21:00:38 GMT

Hello, goodbye
I wanted to see,
but I guess I don't have the strength to speak tonight.
It's tricky sometimes.
When you wanted to run, you'd always hide.
You can't find the truth behind the lies.
Another day and I'm on my feet.
But the street feels like it's sleeping.
I'm on a mission and it ain't too sweet.
You're the reason I'm afraid.
But I want you to know,
it's killing me.
I think I gotta let go,
'cause it's killing me.
You're gonna do what you want,
but you better believe...
It's killing me.
Love never dies.
It's the reason that I won't compromise.
But sometimes you fall before you fly.
I've seen it coming for quite some time.
I don't know what you're thinking.
How can the two of us walk in stride
if we don't see eye to eye?
You got me all messed up inside.
Is it too late in the game?
There is no one left to blame.
I will always mention you
to the one that I pray to.
Why can't you see...
It's killing me.

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Sometimes I feel like beating myself for feeling this way...

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And I hate that I can't listen to my Chris Rice CD without having memories attached. I love music to death, but why do memories tend to attach so that whenever you hear a song, it crushes you...

Sat, 25 Oct 2003 01:56:45 GMT

Alberto died in a car accident on the 22nd...
Shelby just called to tell me Taryn hung herself today.
Over a fight with her boyfriend.
In the cemetary.
Now, Taryn I knew.
How creepy...
and unsettling...
and just plain scary.
What is this world coming to?
2 peers in 3 days...

I immediately thought of last year. I'd known Taryn since 8th grade, but last year she was in my Geometry class and signed my yearbook...

To Laura,
I was blessed to be in your Math class for 2 years! Keep up those smarts + your good lucks. I know you'll make it big someday so don't forget the little people. Always reach 4 the *StARS*! Good luck in all you do! XoXo, Tae.ONE...Taryn K. loves you!

Sad thing is, she wasn't a "little person"...she was incredible. So incredibly smart, so wise, so beautiful, so talented in everything she did. Too great of a person...and someone made her feel small, and she felt she had to end her life...

God, that's so unfortunate.
What else can you say?
It shouldn't have happened.

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 03:03:44 GMT

I just watched the season finale of Newlyweds. My dad walks in and says, "What video is that?" I reply nonverbally with a confused look. "What video is that, and who's kitchen are you in?"

Yes. My dad thought I was Jessica Simpson and that I was watching a home video.

*shakes head* Dads...